The Serenity of Sleepless Nights

By: Catherine Gerard

“I find the nights long, for I sleep but little and think much.” - Charles Dickens.

This quote might resonate with a lot of us. The constant tossing and turning at night, closing your eyes, and seeing a myriad of things that have been bothering you, having a vacant mind to occupy those intrusive thoughts. Sounds familiar?

The thought of tomorrow makes us want to sacrifice all our sleep and live in the moment. Relatively peaceful, isn’t it? Alain de Botton described insomnia as a glamorous term for thoughts you forgot to have during the day. I can't think of a better way to describe it.

It's the only time of the day when you aren't judged or expected to do anything life-altering. Naturally, there is an affinity for the zen and calm of the night. It's the "how's" and the "why's" that drive your pensive mind. Hope and regret loom over you like demons of the night. It can be a bit overwhelming. However, this time of the day strips you of all that social pressure, the anxiety, and the need to be perfect. You get to discover this innate hidden side of yourself that you would have never imagined existed. Did you ever feel like changing your whole life around, starting a new career, or moving somewhere else, all at 3 am? Nearly all of us have felt that way at least once in our life. Why is that? It's because no one is questioning your decisions.

Don't you see the picture here? It's crazy the things you'd do if no one were judging you. The places you would go if you just stopped thinking about the world to impress. The questions of the night reveal your inner desire to do things outside of your little bubble. The wrath of dawn robs you of that beautiful picture you create for yourself. Anxiety is a parasite that feeds on the sound mind and replaces it with anguish and fear. The daytime occupies your mind with deadlines and meetings, giving you no time to see what's outside of that world. You don't get to see what you want. The soundness of the night allows you to see what your inner self wants to see. Sometimes, it may even make you question everything. The degrees you earn or the commitments you made, was it because you relished in them, or was it for the validation from people.

There might be a sudden urge to pursue your passion irrespective of the risk, the aftermath, and the pressure. Isn't it insane to think that your anxious mind is suddenly fuelled to make those nerve-racking decisions? You don't include any of the above factors because the world is asleep, and nobody can hear you. Life becomes a little easier.

It is also like a quiet introspection of your life. This is my quest to make it seem like a positive thing. During the day, the anger you had and what you did that made you feel disappointed in yourself would come out as screams or shouts of distress and desperation. At night, it becomes melancholic. Aesthetic and calm. It hugs you like a blanket and makes you see the clear picture behind the emotions. When the whole world sleeps, you see how minor your problems are. It makes you want to fantasise about that perfect life which is probably too good to be true. The madness of the day creeps up, and look, it's all gone.

You might not be the only one here having these thoughts. That ignorant, cold-hearted boss would now be a deeply stressed and overworked person, that obnoxious bully would be someone with a tormented past, that teacher's pet would be someone with an unending desire to be accepted and validated for the things they do. It's all just a cover-up. This introspection strips you of everything you pretend to be and draws a clear picture of YOU. We are all just a couple of worriers at the end of the day. 

Contrary to this, some people might say it's a waste of time because you aren't being productive. To that, I would like to say that your mind isn't idle. It is now free of all the eyes and ears. In fact, many artists have done their best works at night to get in touch with themselves. To feel and hear what their mind really wants to say without a million people to ponder about. A beautiful example of the same would be Andrea Bocelli’s album, 'Passione', which he described to be a selection of the musical moments that have accompanied my youth; a collection of cherished memories, of moments, of fleeting emotions, of sleepless nights.

I believe it depends on how you perceive these moments of vulnerability. It all lies in perspective. My mind races as I sit here, comfortable under my layers of blankets, cooped up in my room at precisely 3:42 am, thinking about how a year from now, Manipal will become a memory for a lot of us. I wonder what my impulsive mind would have chosen to do next.

What do you guys dream about with your eyes open?

Graphics by: Jasleen